As anyone who has known me moderately well for very long in real life could tell you, I am (alas) the talkative type. I don’t do well at pausing to let others speak, or at prompting or encouraging them to speak. If not reminded, I can go on for some time about myself, what I have been doing or thinking, or other things to do with myself, or possibly with what I think of other people or happenings.
I am not a poet, so perhaps it’s partly my unmanliness. Where most guys—surely many if not most men—value time spent out golfing, or fishing or hunting or whatevering, with their friends, I value more time spent discussing: time with words, ideas, writing, reading, speaking. I have a particularly fond memory of one winter night spent with a friend in front of the fire, explicably (I’d say inexplicably, but it’s explicable: we were out West, where such things make sense) drinking coffee, and chatting of this and that. That was some free time spent together. For the poor folks I text, I tend to feel honored when they take time in their busy lives to write to me or to read what I write to them.
One companion of olden times I’ve somewhat kept in touch with. I did not know him as well as I wish I had, but when I could communicate with him he was always an incredible encouragement to me. Looking back I now wonder: was he very close to anyone hardly at all? He was a friendly and good acquaintance to many, but did he have friends?
I’ve been thinking for some while now (ironically perhaps, including a good bit of the time since I started this blog) about shutting up. How many times, regretting a particularly bad outcome or trouble I’ve caused someone else, I’ve made great resolves—“From now on, I will (or won’t) do XYZ”—and then failed to live up to them. So I won’t clearly make any such resolve here, but just ponder a bit what it might look like to shut up, and about the pros and cons.
Pros?
Your words may be somewhat more valued. I don’t think there’s a guarantee here. Causation and correlation, and all that sort of thing. But for the one or two persons I can think of who simply don’t say much very often, I do think it’s a bit more noticeable to me when they do speak up. Maybe that is just me. And presumably, in order to benefit from this you would need to refrain from speaking up except when it was important that others pay attention.
You are less likely to annoy people. People are all different. It may be rude, I think, to say too explicitly to someone that they’re annoying you by constant chatter, but some people will do that. Others won’t. I expect that for most people, if anyone simply won’t leave them alone but keeps texting or calling or messaging or writing or following them around and trying to carry on a conversation, that may be trying, even if they don’t say so out loud.
You’re far less likely to put your foot in your mouth. Could I stand to have done this a good bit less in my life!
You may sometimes find it easier to live in peace with others. It’s rare to come across a very large group of people with whom you agree on every issue and who all agree with each other, and some people deal better with disagreement than do others. If you are able to hold a view (or reject a view) and yet not express it, you have the advantage over someone who proclaims to all acquaintances what it is that he thinks.
I’ve been going through The Adventures of Sally (Wodehouse, once again). Bits describing lone thought-wrestling, in the car at night, while looking out at the passing scenery, appeal to me. Also some of her letters. “Proud! That’s the real trouble, Ginger. My pride has been battered and chopped up and broken into as many pieces as you broke Mr. Scrymgeour’s stick!”
Cons
You may unwittingly offend people. It’s not always certainly clear when someone expects you to communicate, either to respond or to initiate a conversation, or to bring up something. Again, some may not even say it aloud (at least not to you), but they may be bothered all the same. It’s hard for me to imagine, though, that this would happen as often as people would be bothered by one’s speaking too much.
You may be a bit lonely. What if you already are, though? Conversation is such a warming and helpful sort of a thing, when it involves sharing what one has in common with others. As I said before, for me it’s one of the chief pastimes that involves friends. You don’t have to speak every interesting thought you have. (For me that’s a tricky thing to remember.) But when an idea occurs to me and I’m excited to share it with others and it just doesn’t seem to excite them the same—well, after the 434th time or so of that, it does become easier to consider shutting up. It’s not their fault in any way. I still can become lonely, though.
An adult’s lament
If you were to drop off the face of the earth tomorrow, the people who call looking for you, those are your real friends.
— Noah Stokes
I’m running out of words for now.
Blog Of My Sojourn 